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Tuesday 26 May 2015

Being Brave and Speaking Up about Bipolar and Anxiety

I haven't wrote in a loooong while due to work and just other personal stuff going on.I am wanting to help others who have got anxiety and/or Bipolar.I suffer with both, Bipolar Disorder means Manic Depression.I am for the first time acknowledging this as I feel this last few weeks have been a bloody hard struggle for me.Its been a struggle to get out of bed without thinking the day is going to bring doom or darkness.  I was diagnosed at the age of 20 I always knew something wasn't right and I just got on with it.But there was one day when I literally felt so scared to go outside and I don't know why I was fine up til the point of getting my coat on.I had a horrid feeling in my chest, tightness,pressure and palpitations this was also accompanied with me trying to breathe and catch my breath.I phoned 999 as I was sure I was having a heart attack the pain and the whole feeling of walls zooming in on me was so overwhelming.The ambulance had arrived and checked me over took me to the hospital as they were also sure I was having a heart attack,it was an awful state to be in but when I got the results back and the consultant arrived he said I was having a big Panic Attack.I said I don't suffer from anxiety and never have I don't think.He said you are not born with it it is a mental illness and it takes over your emotions.So I was very relieved at hearing the news it was not a heart attack but also abit confused that he said I have bad anxiety (after talking with me).

  I decided to do research and what I am going to tell you now you may think OMG she is crazy but lets keep in mind Mental Health is real it happens to everybody at some point of there life whether it being depressed all the way up to Clinical Conditions such as Schizophrenia.I decided to research my emotions and how i felt etc. A page popped up with Bipolar Disorder,I then read and the re-read everything.I am not a person to exaggerate on things as I don't see the point in taking medicine that you don't need.So i decided to ring my local GP and I got an appointment with the Dr the following day.

I went through all my symptoms there was only about 4-5 and I did a test with the Psychiatrist and its a test where you look at pictures/patterns and you say what you see.They then determine what you have with the results.I was told because a lot of my symptoms and what I was seeing was that of a person showing signs of Bipolar Disorder otherwise known as Manic Depression. It does not mean you are a maniac if you watch Eastenders think Stacey Slater/Jean Slater.That was me.I was so thrilled that this storyline had come to light 11 months after I was diagnosed.People asked me if I had the same signs as them and yes I had similar experiences but not all (i have not stripped yet-unless drunk lol :D ) but they did it very well as I felt I can see what's happening to me inside my brain being brought to life I no longer saw the actresses playing a character instead I saw my emotions and thoughts being brought to life.That maybe a bit difficult to understand but to me it makes sense.  I have had everything from Suicidal Thoughts to really Morbid thoughts (I have never attempted suicide).I have heard a voice now to some that sounds like something comical "I hear voices" "I see dead people" it does sound funny but i can assure you it is not when it happens to you. I have had days when I really panic.I find it hard to go to the shop some days even though I am ready to go its a struggle and a long process for me to go.I have had panic attacks since I was 19/20 years old so I have had 7-8 years of this and I think I am finally at a place now where I am happy to know I understand what is wrong with me I now have a word for myself lol.My Bipolar has not defined who I am.I am still a shopaholic and love my beauty it is these things that define who I am.I simply embrace it all accept it and no longer live in denial.
Me writing this today is because I am not ashamed of having Bipolar and Anxiety instead I want to help others who are experiencing similar things and how to control the bad thoughts.I have episodes every other day but recently it has literally been everyday because of the build up of stress from everything.So please if you experience any of the things I have spoke about go and talk to someone whether it be a parent/teacher/friends parent/doctor they can all help you.If like me you have a crazy mind then please comment and follow me and maybe we can help each other.I will be doing a video on this to expand more and answer any questions.

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